Love? What a Joke!
by Risma
Summary: A girl, with some magic up her sleeve, knows Helga's secret. Will she tell a certain party? R+E (read and enjoy). UPDATE: 6th Chapter is up!
1. Prologue

~* G'day fellow HA fans __

~* G'day fellow HA fans! This little story is almost finished just some chapters need a bit of revising and perfecting. But they'll soon be up too. Read and enjoy! -Risma ; P *~

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Disclaimer: Hey Arnold! does not belong to me unless Craig Barlett gets a crazy idea of forking it over. I ain't stopping him. But suing me for doing a pathetic job is a waste of time, trust me!

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Love? What a Joke!

I have created a fictional character, Risma, who loves to place a little mischief in people's lives. She is not exactly human because she has limited magical powers, which helps her cause trouble. Being the only one of your species left, life can get a little boring and this is where we start. 

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Somewhere in the galaxy - 

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The story takes place here, in a crystal bubble. A huge oak tree has grown in the centre and surrounding it is a small meadow with a few flowers scattered around, a pond glowing brightly and pieces of furniture here and there. In its sturdy branches a rainbow coloured hammock is hanging, with a young girl slowly swinging it. 

Risma: Geez! Why can't anything ever happen around here? It's sooooo boring!

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She falls back in her hammock with a heavy sigh. She closes her eyes and takes a depth breath. Complaining would get her no where, especially when there was no one to complain to. Risma opens her eyes and absently stares up through the leaves of her only friend. The tinkle of soft bells alerts her back to reality.

Risma: About time. I wonder what trouble I can get into this week?

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She sits up and peers over at the shimmering pool of water a few metres away, where the chimes were coming from. She slips out of her hammock and stands near the pool. It ripples and shows a view of an all too familiar school.

Helga: Outta my way Bucko! Move it geek bait! I'm walkin' here!

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The image of a young blonde girl with a pink bow behind her two pigtails appears. A frown was moulded on her brow, her jaw set and her fists clenched. As she storms through the hall shoving her fellow peers into lockers, a squiggly feeling creeps into Risma's stomach. The irony of a temperamental young lady wearing pink is rather amusing. The pool then shifts its focus to further down the hallway, where a confident young fellow with an oval shaped head is walking. Risma smiles at his easy sense of fashion, a blue-green jumper over an untucked red flannelette shirt, which covers a blue pair of pants. She kneels at the pool to get a better view of the situation. The girl isn't watching where she is going and she turns the corner too sharply. **WHAM!** _She collides with the blonde guy and they're both sent sprawling across the hall._

Helga: Arnold?! I mean . . . watch where you're going football head!

Arnold: Uh . . . sorry Helga. Perhaps I should be more careful next time.

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He stands up, dusts himself off and offers her his hand. She thinks it over then shrugs and grabs it. He gently pulls her to her feet and smiles at her apologetically. However she quickly snatches her hand away and scowls at him.

Helga: Yeah, you do that!

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Giving up he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. The young girl stays there with her arms folded, still scowling as she watches him leave. After awhile she looks around, seeing no one in the hallway, she clasps her hands to her heart. Twirling, prancing and talking to no one in particular about the boy of her dreams. This is all too much and Risma can't help herself. She rolls around on the floor with laughter, clutching her sides as if they are going to split. After a while she manages to get a hold of herself and remembers to breathe. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she leans over the pool to watch the scene unfold. The girl with the pink bow had finished dancing around. She was leaning against one of the lockers staring up at the ceiling.

Helga: Arnold. Sweet, sweet Arnold. If you weren't here to make my life worth living, I'd . . . 

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She stopped swooning. Out of nowhere a boy with glasses and a serious breathing problem had silently approached the girl. A scowl returns to the little romantic's face and a fist, to the guy's face standing behind her. He falls into a heap on the floor. The blonde turns around and stands on the guy's stomach making his breath rush out in a loud **OOUFF!**_ Risma slowly stood up and thoughtfully folded her arms._

Risma: Hmm . . . What a peculiar person? I definitely wouldn't want emotional problems like her. Oh well . . . 

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Risma cartwheels over to her full-length mirror, which stood be itself close to her tree. She leans back and takes a long look at her reflection.

Risma: Maybe I should go down to this planet and get a good glimpse at this Helga, perhaps stir up a little mischief. I wonder how Little Miss Grumpy would react if I stole her lover boy right from under her nose. Now let's see . . . 

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Right now she is wearing her purple and green jester hat and suit, including a diamond checkered purple and green shirt and green shoes with the toes turned up. Her favourite colours that contrasted well with her shoulder length red hair.

Risma: I definitely can't turn up wearing this gear.

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She points her right index finger in the air, above her head and twirls it around in a circle. Little sparkles cascade down, instantly changing her clothes. Risma puts her hands on her hips and poses, admiring her reflection.

Risma: If this, and my charms, doesn't get his hormones shaking then that Helga kid wont stand a chance. *heeheehee* Mind you, he is pretty darn cute, pity he looks a little dense though.

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She does a spin in her new outfit and springs back over to the pool. She looks down at her victim with an evil smile.

Risma: Oh this'll be fun! *heeheehee*

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~* Yeah I know the main character has got my pen name. But she isn't me, so I haven't personalised the story. I borrowed the name from her -R *~


	2. Thursday

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~* This chapter is dedicated to a wonderful reviewer, Yes I have a name, since they enjoyed the first part so much. And for the rest of you very patient readers, thank-you for your time. Read and enjoy. -Risma*~

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LOVE? WHAT A JOKE!

THURSDAY

That morning, on the bus –

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Gerald and Arnold are sitting together behind Helga, who is listening in on their conversation.

Gerald: So Arnold did you get your homework finished?

Arnold: I . . .

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Helga turns around and glares at Gerald, while interrupting Arnold.

Helga: Of course he did Geraldo. He's a straight A student.

Arnold: Now Helga . . .

Gerald: Stop picking on him! Just because you didn't finish it. What's the matter Helga, your so called "brain" needed its annual check up and you forgot?

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Helga kneels on her seat and raises her fist at him.

Helga: Want to say that to Old Betsy? I'm surprised you even know what a brain is? I mean I could go through your hair with a detector and find a treasure trove, but never a brain.

Gerald: Are you insulting my hair?

Helga: And that's not all moron. If you have anything more to say about my intelligence it had better be good, or you'll be getting a knuckle sandwich, Bucko!

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Gerald shakes his hands in mock fright.

Gerald: Oh yeah, I'm soooo scared.

Helga: You'd better be!

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While those two are arguing, other things have caught Arnold's attention. A young girl about nine gets on the bus and shows the driver her pass. She is about as tall as Helga, with red hair and a great smile. She is wearing a small green shirt with a long purple coat, a purple mini skirt, green slacks and the coolest boots ever.

Gerald: Arnold? Hey Arnold! Whatcha staring at?

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Gerald waves his hand in front of Arnold's face. Showing that this was no sign of improvement, he follows Arnold's gaze and sees her.

Gerald: Oh no. Not again.

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Helga notices the look of boredom on Gerald's face and turns to see what's bothering him. She sees this new girl and looks back and forth from her and Arnold.

Helga: (Great. Here we go again. Now I'm going to have to compete with this nimrod too.) I'll have to show HER where she stands in this school.

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Gerald looks at Arnold and snaps his fingers near his ear.

Gerald: Arnold, close your mouth man. You're starting to drool.

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Arnold snaps back to reality, shuts his mouth and blushes. The new girl looks at Arnold with a smile and winks at him before she takes her seat. His face goes a darker shade of red as he leans back in his seat. Helga gives Arnold a sly grin.

Helga: Well Romeo, this is number, what, seven?

Gerald: If that.

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Arnold is still in Lala Land. He sighs and stares and the roof of the bus.

Arnold: Wow . . . 

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Helga glares at Arnold's love struck grin with jealousy. She sits back down, folds her arms and sulks.

Helga: Great another girl for Paste-for-Brains.

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Gerald taps her on the head.

Gerald: Did you say something?

Helga: *sigh* Nope. 

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Outside the lockers – 

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Eugene is walking down the corridor with a high pile of books and he can't see where he's going. He manages to look at his watch and realises he's late. He starts to run. **WHAM!**_ Arnold is sent sprawling across the polished floor and his books are everywhere. Eugene slowly places his glasses back on his nose._

Eugene: I'm okay . . . sorry Arnold but if I don't get to the library now, I'm going to be late for class. See ya.

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Eugene picks up his stuff and limps off in the direction if the library and fast as he can. Arnold rubs his elbows and crawls around to pick up his books. He is reaching for one when a pair of high black boot catches his eye. He hears a low key whistle.

Voice: Hoo boy! Aren't you the stud I saw on the bus?

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Arnold slowly looks up and sees the red headed girl. He is startled, nervous and just plain jarded.

Arnold: I . . . uh . . . I . . . um . . . whoa . . .

Girl: Weeellll a good lookin' guy and a smooth talker. *heeheehee* (Some guys are so cute when they're nervous.)

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Arnold blushes and the girl bends down to help pick up the books. He just sits there stunned. She notices his expression and winks at him. They both stand up and she hands him his books.

Girl: Hi I'm Risma. And does a guy like you have a name? Or do all the girls just call you Gorgeous?

Arnold: Uh . . . my name? *cough* My name's Arnold.

Risma: Oooh. Very suave and yet almost unique like your head. Now I know why your girlfriend with the one eyebrow and pink bow, calls you football head. Kinda sweet I reckon.

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Arnold looks at her with dread. Risma puts an arm across his shoulders and leads him down the corridor.

Arnold: Who? HELGA?! No way! She's not my girlfriend. In fact . . . I've never had a one.

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He looks at the ground ashamed. Risma acts like she's taken aback by the sad and sorry statement.

Risma: What?! Never had one! A handsome, hunky and probably good natured guy like you, doesn't have a girlfriend? And here I was thinking you'd a least have ten, and I'd have some competition.

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He gazes up at her and gets a cheeky smile. Luckily she was holding onto him, otherwise he'd float away in a love-dazed dream.

Risma: (I've got him now.) *heeheehee* So does this mean you don't like girls or something? Do you have a crush on any girl at all?

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He stares at her with a goofy grin, then it disappears as he starts to think of Lila.

Arnold: Oh no, I have nothing against girls. I've just never had any luck in that department. My best friend Gerald can't stand it when I talk about my girl troubles. See I've had a crush on a girl in my class, Lila. But she only thinks of me as a friend, nothing else. But now . . .

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He stops and gawks at Risma.

Arnold: . . . now *cough* I mean . . . now I have no one.

Risma: (Well we'll have to remedy the problem wont we?) C'mon I'm supposed to be in Mr Si . . . Sim . . . Simon's . . . ?

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She looks at the back to her hand in confusion. Arnold leans over to read.

Arnold: It's Simmons. No one can read Principal Wartz's writing. 

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Arnold points to the writing on the back of Risma's hand.

Arnold: He's my teacher too. He's alright, bit of a softie though.

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In the classroom –

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Risma stands at the door of the classroom and watches the ruckus as the students get ready for class. Arnold waves her in and she carefully makes her way to Mr Simmons desk, while occasionally ducking from the odd paper aeroplane. Mr Simmons smiles at her and claps his hands to get the class' attention.

Mr Simmons: Students, I believe we have a new special member of our tribe. She will be coming to PS188 for . . . uh how long?

Risma: Oh just a couple of months. (Enough time to get into infinite trouble.)

Mr Simmons: So please make . . . I didn't quite catch your name?

Risma: It's Risma, sir.

Mr Simmons: No need for the "sir" here. Yes, class please make Risma welcome. How about you take a very special seat next to Helga? 

Risma: Great! (Now I get to meet Miss Temperamental at last.)

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She makes her way to the back of the classroom, smiles at Helga, who in turn looks the other way. Mr Simmons starts discussing yesterday's homework when Helga turns around to get a look at her opposition.

Helga: (What's with the coat? Has she got something to hide? Only one way to find out. I'll let her know where she stands 'round here. And it is not anywhere near Arnold!)

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She leans over and taps Risma on the arm.

Helga: Right let's lay down the facts sister. I'm Helga G. Pataki and what I say around here goes, go it?

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Risma faces the front of the classroom looking bored.

Risma: Yeah, yeah. You may act tough but you're a coward.

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Helga stares at her with confusion.

Helga: What are you getting at?

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She still stares at the front but exhales slowly.

Risma: If you're so straight forward, why not tell Arnold your little secret?

Helga: Huh? What do you mean? I have no secrets!

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Risma looks idly around the class, brushing away Helga's frustration like a bad smell.

Risma: Oh . . . I don't know . . . maybe about . . . a certain . . . 

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She turns to Helga, leans towards her and whispers.

Risma: . . . crush?

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Helga's mouth falls open and her eyes grow wide. She glances at the black board making sure Mr Simmons had his back to her, then grits her teeth, reaches over and grabs Risma's shirt and growls at her.

Helga: I don't know how you found out, but you'd better listen up good! If you mention this to ANYONE, I shall personally see to your demise!

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Risma yawns unconcerned of her death statement.

Risma: Whatever, just keep your hands off the merchandise.

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She flicks Helga's hands away and faces the front again, just as Arnold turns around to see how his new friend is coping. He smiles at her and she gives him a girlish wave and her usual wink. He blushes slightly then looks over at Helga as she keeps flicking glances between Risma and himself.

Arnold: (What's up with Helga? Risma's a nice girl, pretty too and cheerful and kind and funny and . . . WHOA!! Gerald's right! I seriously need to keep myself in check or soon I'll start acting like Jamie O!)

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A goofy grin forms on his face and Helga retaliates. He cringes back from her bright red face and her hostile glare, straight at him. He smiles back feebly, then turns around. 

Arnold: (But she can't be right about Helga liking me. Helga hates me, always has as far as I remember. Always calling me names, laughing at me, putting me down not to mention the constant spit-balls. Risma just doesn't know Helga yet. Unfortunately she might.)

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Lunch Time – 

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Risma is holding her food tray and searching around the room for a friendly face. She only slightly glances at Helga and a girl with glasses. She can see Arnold sitting up looking hopeful that she'll sit with him.

Risma: (Can't spend all my time with that football head. Hmmm . . . hey he looks interesting!) Mind if I join you?

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She smiles at the young boy with a bowl hair cut, wearing red rimmed thick glasses and an orange shirt. He slowly looks up from his sandwich and shrugs his shoulders.

Boy: It's not every day that someone wants to sit with the All Powerful One. Though some of these pathetic humans just call me Curly. But hey, I'm not stopping you, pull up a chair. 

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She rolls her eyes and takes a seat next to him. She wipes her apple then takes a bite, slowly measuring Curly up. She grins wickedly.

Risma: You seem to be the type who wants nothing but respect. How hard are you willing to work for it? Hmmm?

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Curly puts down his sandwich and slowly chews, contemplating the idea. He swallows, turns to her and leans closer.

Curly: Depends on what you want me to do. I wont bite off any more chicken heads if that's what your asking.

Risma: You what?! Uhhh . . . no this doesn't involve chickens. Just a little bit of help on your behalf and in return you can have my utmost respect.

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Curly puts out his hand and Risma shakes it.

Curly: Deal. What's my half of the bargain?

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Risma leans closer to him and whispers in his ear. Meanwhile across the room two other people are watching the scene. 

Arnold: (Why is she sitting with Curly? What's so great about him? She's . . . whispering to him! But . . . but . . . I thought she liked . . . )

Helga: (She had better keep her mouth shut or I WILL kill her. Slowly and painfully.)

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They pull apart and Risma bites into her apple while smiling. Curly leans back in his chair and rubs his hands. 

Curly: I can do that. How long do I have?

Risma: One week.

Curly: Well in that case it may not be the best . . .

Risma: Don't worry I can handle it. Just get it for me in a week. Okay?

Curly: Easier done than said, my respectable co-evil conspirator.

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With that Curly picks up his food tray and sits at another table with the wheezing boy. Risma finishes her apple, when she notices two students looking at her. One with hatred, the other, with sadness. She smiles innocently at both then turns her back on them with a quiet snicker.

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After school – 

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Risma is walking down the school stairs, wondering what to do next, when she hears her name. She turns around and beams. Arnold is running towards her.

Arnold: I know it's not any of my business but what were you talking to Curly about?

Risma: Ah don't worry. 

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Risma tries to change the subject so he'll shut up.

Risma: What do you guys do after school?

Arnold: Hey want to come and play stick ball with the gang?

Risma: Stick ball? What's that?

Arnold: C'mon I'll show you. We'd better hurry though, or they'll start without us.

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He grabs Risma's wrist and practically drags her to an empty lot. They get there just as the kids were picking teams. A dark boy with tall black hair, a long red shirt with "33" printed on it and jeans, spots Arnold and Risma and yells.

Boy: Hey Arnold, what took you so long man?

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He then sees the look on his best friend's love struck face. He walks over slowly shaking his head.

Boy: You're a goner Arnold.

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Risma laughs at the boy's observation as well as Arnold's beetroot red face.

Arnold: Gerald!

Gerald: Well it's the truth ain't it! C'mon and meet the gang while Romeo here . . .

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He nudges Arnold.

Gerald: . . . takes a breather. Welcome to Gerald Field . . . 

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Arnold walks towards a bench while Gerald does introductions giving a little bit of info on each kid. He gestures to a tall skinny girl with a flower printed on her shirt.

Gerald: And this is Sheena who is the youngest hippie I know. Her aunt is the school nurse. She likes living things and Mother Nature, where as Helga . . . is the total opposite.

Helga: I heard that tall-hair boy. Just watch yourself!

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They both glare at each other across the field until Risma speaks.

Risma: Yes I've had the . . . pleasure of meeting her.

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Gerald looks sadly at Risma and whispers.

Gerald: Poor you. And that's Eugene, who is an optimist.

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Risma feels someone nudge her and sees a smaller boy wearing a black leather jacket and a green hat on backwards, covering his long thin black hair.

Sid: He ought to be considering how many accidents he's had.

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Sid is then joined by a much taller boy, with a big nose and a country accent.

Stinky: Yep. Ever since he was born. I reckon he was born a jinx.

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They all look at Eugene as he runs over to protest **SPLAT! **_And falls right in the only mud puddle on the whole field, proving Stinky was right._

Eugene: I'm okay.

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The young girl with glasses, wearing a blue jumper and skirt, comes and picks up the red headed boy out of the puddle. Risma turns to Gerald.

Risma: I've seen her sitting with Helga during lunch.

Gerald: Yeah that's Phoebe, she's Helga's best-and-only friend. Her Dad's Japanese but her family comes from Kansas. Young genius and shyest yet nicest girl you could meet.

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Phoebe nods to Risma, turns around and helps Eugene to the bench. Risma starts giggling when she notices that the jinx tucks his white polo shirt into his underwear. A fat boy with a blue hat on backwards, a way too small white shirt, is standing on the pitchers mound and bellows.

Boy: C'mon already! The faster the game ends, the faster I can go home for dinner.

Gerald: And finally Harold. He speaks for himself. Be right there Bubba!

Harold: And stop calling me that or I'll pound you!

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Risma and Gerald smile at each other. The kids sort themselves out into two teams while some of them take their usual places. Eugene on the bench, the boy who wheezes also known as Brainy was scoring, Phoebe as first aid, Helga was catcher and Harold as pitcher yelling insults left right and centre. Risma sits down on the bench with Arnold and listens as he explains the rules.

Helga: Strike three! You're out Geraldo. Bring on the next loser.

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Risma walks over to the plate and picks up the thick piece of wood.

Helga: Well, well, well if it isn't Miss Popular. Hope you can hit the ball, or you'll be laughed off the field.

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Risma positions the stick behind her head, ready to swing. Stinky takes over Harold's place.

Risma: I dunno, I seem to be hitting off quite well with you boyfriend.

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She grins at the sound of Helga's low growl.

Helga: I've obviously done something wrong and that's how you found out. So why do you still flirt with him? Are you some kinda sicko, who likes watching people suffer?

Risma: Wow. So they are wrong.

Helga: Huh?

Risma: Blondes aren't so dumb after all.

Helga: *ggrrr* What's that supposed to mean?

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Stinky throws the ball but Risma misses it. Helga throws it back to the pitcher while she gets back into position.

Risma: You see, I'm going to keep up with this charade until you can't take it any more and blurt out your feelings. Then we'll see if Arnold lives up to his nature of understanding or . . . runs away in terror.

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Stinky throws again and Risma misses. Helga smiles evilly.

Helga: One more and you're out Miss Was Popular.

Risma: Oh no dear Helga. That's where you misunderstand. You see. I know when to strike out and when to strike. At the moment I'm coiled back ready to pounce.

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Stinky pitches one last time. Risma grits her teeth and smashes the ball right out of the lot. She turns and smiles pleasantly at Helga.

Risma: Don't worry Helga. I don't bite . . .

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Helga watches Risma run around the bases, not knowing what to do.

Helga: (All I know is, I'd better watch myself.) But I'll get even, just wait and see. Soon she'll be begging for mercy.


	3. Friday

_~*Who's a lazy arse? I am. I know, I know but don't panic! Put away that towel because I'm here with the new stuff! –Risma*~_

**Love? What A Joke!**

**FRIDAY**

**That morning at the bus stop –**

_Arnold and Gerald are talking about the stick ball game the day before._

Gerald: Three times she smashed that ball! Three times! We could play Wolfgang's team and actually win this season!

Arnold: Yeah and she only just learnt how to play. Mind you . . .

_Gerald watches Arnold's eyes go all glazed and starts to worry._

Gerald: What?

Arnold: Helga didn't shout at us after Risma whacked the ball the first time. Actually she didn't say anything.

Gerald: So what! That's a good thing right? Right?!

_Gerald shakes his friend waking him to the real world. Arnold just stands there staring right over Gerald's shoulder and down the street. He turns around to see what Arnold was looking at. _

Helga: Hello Geek-baits . . . what? 

_She checks down at her dress for dirt marks or breakfast spills and sees nothing._

Helga: Have I got a "Stare at Helga" sign on my head?

_Gerald lets go of Arnold and stands beside him._

Arnold: No.

Helga: Then quit staring at me already!

Gerald: Who'd want to anyway?

_Helga throws her bag on the ground and strides over to Gerald, grinding her fists._

Helga: C'mon moron! I'll give you the privilege of being the first victim of the day.

_Gerald stands his ground and clenches his fists in anger._

Gerald: It's against my morals to hit a girl, even one like you.

_She leans backs and smirks at him._

Helga: That's only because I'll beat you.

_Gerald turns his back to her._

Gerald: Yeah right, sure you will.

_Arnold kneels down and picks up the books that fell out of Helga's bag. As he looks around for any others he sees a boy sitting on a stoop across the road. The boy looks about nine years old but well built with brown hair. What really catches his attention though is the fact that the boy is staring at Helga and actually smiling._

Helga: Give me that!

_She snatches her bag from Arnold and watches the bus come up the street. He shakes his head with the lack of gratitude from her._

Arnold: You're welcome Helga.__

_He gets on the bus shows his pass and then halts. He looks out the window past the driver. The boy had disappeared._

Gerald: C'mon man, get movin'. 

_Arnold walks down to the middle of the bus and sits. Gerald sits beside him and starts to talk about the last episode of the Z-files. Arnold doesn't pay any attention to his friend's conversation, instead he just stares at Helga._

Arnold: (Helga really caught that guy's attention. Maybe because she was yelling too much? Yeah that's got to be it, right?)

**In class –**

_Everyone is in their usual seats and slowly calming down. Mr Simmons claps his hand together to get their attention._

Mr Simmons: Students, it is now Suggestion Time for our special weekly projects. Anyone?

_The class remains silent. Stinky puts up his hand._

Mr Simmons: Yes Stinky?

Stinky: How 'bout who can eat the most Mr Fudgy Nut Bars?

Harold: Yeah! I'll beat all of you!

_The class turns to each other murmuring with excitement. Mr Simmons holds his hand in the air until the volume dies down._

Mr Simmons: No Stinky, we'd just make Harold sick. School policy clearly states, that no teacher can harm or cause harm to a student in any shape or form, but nice try.

_The kids groan and slump back in their chairs. Risma slowly smiles and Helga notes the mischief on her face with a raised eyebrow. Risma stands and waits for Mr Simmons to give her a nod to go ahead._

Risma: What if we put our names in Sid's hat and then pair up? The project can be, whomever you pick out of the hat, you have to act like them. It shows how much attention we show to our friends and well as gain some insight to their hopes and fears.

Park: We can even do it in the auditorium!

Gerald: They'd be great acts for the Coco Hut!

Pea-pod Kid: This will be totally totally cool.

_The kids stand up in their chairs the yell with enthusiasm, while Helga slumps further down into her chair, gripping her desk with all her strength. She knows what is going to happen._

Sheena: But what if a girl picks a boy or vice versa?

Mr Simmons: I'll see to that. Alright everybody get a pen.

_Sid collects the names and holds the hat as high as he can above Mr Simmons head. Little do they know that Risma has this all planned out. Mr Simmons picks girls with girls and boys with boys. With a little bit of magic, Risma teams up with Helga. The class separates to talk with their allocated partners. Risma walks over and leans on Helga's desk._

Risma: Well . . . isn't this a surprise. How did I ever get stuck with you, Miss Anonymous?

_Helga quickly sits up at the mention of her non de plume. She stands and leans on her desk, brings her face close to Risma's and whispers through clenched teeth._

Helga: You had better not do anything you'll regret later, when you're dead!

_Risma calmly sits on Helga's desk._

Risma: Calm down will ya. It's just a silly project and it's not like you'll fail or anything. We've got a week to do it. 

Helga: That's not what I meant.

Risma: Pardon?

Helga: Oh don't get cute with me. I know what you're going to do, just remember that Helga G. Pataki always keeps a promise. And your funeral arrangements will be one of them if you mention my crush in front of the class. 

_Risma hops off the desk and innocently places her hands behind her back while shifting her head to one side innocently._

Risma: Would I do that? 

Helga: How could I possibly guess?

Risma: That's your problem bucko. *heeheehee* I'll meet you at your place on Sunday so we can arrange how we're going to do this.

_The bell rings and Risma turns to leave when Helga grabs her arm._

Helga: One more thing.

Risma: Yes?

Helga: Did you somehow make Mr Simmons pair us up?

_Risma smiles sweetly while shrugging Helga's hand off her arm._

Risma: Wouldn't you like to know?

_She winks at her victim and strides over to Gerald to talk. Helga just glares at her constant tormentor. _

Helga: *ggrrr*

**Out in the playground – **

_Risma is sitting by herself watching the other kids play kick-ball. It went over the fence so they go to check out how far it went and the arguing starts._

Sid: Harold should get it!

Harold: Why me?

Sheena: Well you ARE the one who kicked it over there.

Harold: So?

Stinky: That's the rule of the game. Whoever kicks it over has to get it.

Gerald: Yeah Bubba, you know that.

Harold: But I'll get in trouble.

Helga: That hasn't stopped you before dimwit. Now go and GET IT!

Harold: Alright already . . . evil fortress mummy.

_Harold climbs the fence, quickly picks up the ball and runs back. Soon they're playing again. Risma surveys the playground when she spots a girl sitting on the swings, smiling happily at nothing in particular. _

Risma: (Wonder who that is? Time for introductions!)

_She stands and walks over to the empty swing next to the girl. She noticed the girl was wearing a green dress with green plaid shoulders and her hair done in two braids.  _

Girl: Why hello. Aren't you the new girl?

Risma: Should I be someone else?

Girl: No that would be ever so silly.

Risma: (Ever so silly? Yikes, what planet does she come from?) The name's Risma and yours is . . .

Girl: Oh Lila.

Risma: (That was kinda expected. Didn't think her name would be Butch.) So you seem like a nice kid. How come you aren't over there playing? 

Lila: I don't know how.

Risma: Well . . . usually people ask if they want to know something.

Lila: It's not just that . . . there are more personal reasons not to play.

Risma: (Really? Secretive are we?) Mind telling me the reason?

_Lila looks towards the gang playing kick-ball. She starts to fidget when Arnold turns and smiles at her, but looks away when Helga glares at her. Risma caught this scenario and starts to smile._

Risma: Looks like you're caught in a love triangle. You know she likes him right?

_Lila stares at her in confusion. Risma's grin grows on her face._

Risma: Oh you didn't know . . .

Lila: No, you've got it all wrong. I do know . . . but how did you find out?

Risma: Simple observation and deduction. (With the help of a magical puddle.) She warned you not to tell right?

Lila: Yes. She seems to like keeping her feelings from him, even though he is a nice guy. I just wish he'd stop following me around a see Helga for her ever so true self.

_Arnold kicks the ball over the fence and Helga starts yelling at him. The two girls sigh at the same time._

Risma: That may take a while. 

**After class –**

_Risma is jiggling around with her combination lock, and can't get it to work. Frustrated she slams on the door with the palm of her hand. Gradually her frown disappears and she holds the lock still while she mutters a few words. The lock clicks open and the happiness drains away as the feeling of someone watching her takes over. She slowly turns around and smiles weakly at a tall brunette wearing a long red t-shirt and black slacks._

Risma: (Great now I'm caught. Just play it cool, and she wont know.) Damn locks, never open unless you speak to them nicely . . . I don't think we've met. I'm Risma.

Girl: I'm sure you would've heard of me. 

_She fluffs up her short black hair with one hand and places the other on her hips, posing. _

Girl: Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. But enough chit-chat, I've noticed lately that you've been getting Helga ticked off about something or other. I'd like to know how you get her all steamed up?

_Risma turns back to her locker with an uninterested sigh._

Risma: I didn't do much. Why? What's it to you?

Rhonda: Must be good if you wont tell.

_She smiles and slowly turns back to face Rhonda._

Risma: (Sounds like an enemy, maybe she can help.) You seem like a person with an ambition to humiliate her. What do you know about Helga?

_Rhonda places both her hands on her hips and starts with the opinionated attitude. Risma leans against the lockers half-listening._

Rhonda: She's bossy, mean, ugly, unfeminine, unpopular and her wardrobe  . . . Ugh!

Risma: I reckon you know her like the back of your manicured hand. So . . . would you know where she lives?

_Rhonda holds out her hands away from her and stares at the back of them approvingly. Risma rolls her eyes and turns around to fix her lock._

Rhonda: They are, aren't they . . . yeah I know where she lives. Why . . . ooooh . . . gonna get her good huh? Well anything to help a person with an original sense of style. 

_Rhonda opens the back of her maths book and leans it against a nearby locker. She scribbles down the address, rips it out and hands it to Risma._

Risma: Thanks. If I get anything interesting, I'll let you know.

Rhonda: Fine by me! I can tell we're going to be great friends.

_Rhonda slithers away beaming with evil._

Risma: (This is getting better and better. Now all I have to do is follow Miss Pigtails around 'till she starts her fancy talk.)

_The bell rings, so she waits for everyone to go to class and clear the hallway. She points her right index finger in the air and twirls it around. With a flash of light, a video camera forms in her hand. _

Risma: Ready or not, here I come.

**That afternoon – **

_Helga and Phoebe are walking to the Jolly Olly Man's ice-cream truck. Risma is close behind, carrying her ultimate weapon in her backpack. The video camera. She ducks into a nearby alley, unzips the bag and takes it out. Kneeling down, she slowly steadies the view and scans around the van. All the other kids are there, cheering Harold on as he stuffs his fiftieth Mr Fudgie in his mouth. Phoebe walks to the van and meets up with Gerald. He treats her to an ice-cream and she blushes like there's no tomorrow. Helga walks up to order hers when she stops in her tracks. Looking around she sees no one watching her and starts swooning._

Helga: Ahhh. The only one who makes my heart melt. The one who makes my anger freeze. If only I could hold him just for a moment. Arnold, the hottest and coolest guy I know.

_She walks up to the van and shoves Arnold out of the way._

Helga: Move it football head! Some of us would actually want to buy our ice-cream this year!

Arnold: Yeah, yeah.

_He pays the Jolly Olly Man, gives Helga an "I give up" look and joins the others kids around Harold. Meanwhile Risma is jumping up and down with glee._

Risma: Yes. Yes! YES! It's all here! Now how do I give it to her the worst way possible? Blackmail? Nah, takes too long. I could tell everyone? Nah, she'll probably deny it and that'll get no where. Hmm . . .

_Risma puts the camera in her backpack and walks over to the group of kids. Harold is slowly going green and it seems like he's going to pass out from the fudge overload._

Stinky: Gee whillikers. I reckon he should show the entire school his unique talent. I reckon he'd be famous.

_A smile slowly forms on Risma's face._

Risma: (Yeah and I should show the school Helga's talents.  But first I need a few more shots. Maybe some other kids first, so she won't know until the last moment.) *heeheehee*


	4. Saturday

_~*What's in store for our little Helga this time? Find out! –Risma*~_

**Love? What A Joke!**

**SATURDAY**

**That morning – **

_All is quiet at the Johansson household, until a car comes to a gut wrenching halt out in the street. Gerald and Arnold are sitting down in the lounge room exchanging "Purdy Boys" mysteries. Timberly, Gerald's young sister, is close by playing an imaginary game with her stuffed alligator, Wally._

Gerald: So do you mind if I borrow volume twelve and fifteen? You can have my volume five, just try to ignore Timberly's scribbles on the pages. 

_They both look over at her and she stares back innocently. Tears start to fall from her eyes._

Timberly: I was only making pictures. There were too many words and it looked boring. Please don't be mad.

Arnold: It's alright Timberly. You are a . . . lovely artist.

Gerald: When she's NOT drawing in my books.

_They flick through the books exchanging opinions when Jamie O strides in, purposely standing on the volumes. Gerald glares up at his older brother._

Gerald: Don't you have something better to do, like give your face back to the gorilla in the zoo.

Jamie O: Why go to all that trouble when I can easily take yours and look even uglier? Plus I was going to watch a movie. Without you lot, so amscray!

_Timberly runs upstairs to her room, while Arnold and Gerald slowly pick up their books and go outside._

Gerald: If only I was taller or richer. Yeah then I could pay him to leave the country.

Arnold: I know you really don't mean that about your only brother.

Gerald: Yeah you're right. Why waste money on him right?

_Arnold just rolls his eyes towards heaven and starts to walk down the stoop._

Arnold: Want to go to the park?

Gerald: Nothing else to do, maybe we'll meet some of the gang there.

_Arnold smirks and digs Gerald in the ribs._

Arnold: Like a certain young genius?

Gerald: Or a red headed baseball pro?

_Arnold starts to turn red to the amusement of his best friend._

Arnold: Hey! I don't have a . . . thing . . .

Gerald: Crush.

_Arnold folds his arms in frustration._

Arnold: . . . CRUSH on Risma.

Gerald: Uh huh. Whatever you say man.

**That afternoon – **

_All the kids are in the park lying on the grass staring up at the sky. They start to plan the rest of their interesting and exhilarating fun day._

Sid: I dunno. What do you want to do Stinky?

Stinky: I dunno. What do you want to do Phoebe?

Phoebe: I dunno. What do you want to do Gerald?

Gerald: I dunno. What do you want to do Helga?

Helga: Anything other than this!

_Just then Curly runs up to the group and collapses on the grass. He breathes deeply, coughing from the rush of air._

Curly: They're after me!

_Arnold sits up and moves over to Curly, concerned about his fear._

Arnold: Who is?

Curly: All of them! And they'll be after you guys too!

_Everyone sits up and pays attention to their loony friend. Helga stands up and shakes Curly by his shirt._

Helga: Who will be?!

Curly: Wolfgang and all the year fivers!

Gerald: Huh? Why?

Sid: What did you do to them this time Curly?

_All the kids glare at him with suspicion. Curly stands up and starts to back away from them._

Curly: I didn't do anything! I swear!

Arnold: Alright. Just calm down, and tell us the whole thing.

Curly: I was just walking down the reject part of town . . .

**_~__Fade_****~**

_Just doing my part of an agreement for someone, when I heard voices. I followed the sound until I came to a shabby house with the door falling off. Risma was there, peering around the windows. She motioned me over and we both crept inside. We found all the year fivers sitting around a turned over cargo box, talking about the fact that year fourers are polluting the city and that we need to be taught a lesson. Well I'm allergic to dust and the place was full of it, so I had a sneezing attack. I heard "Someone's here!" So I just bolted. They were after me and I heard Edmund yell; "There's one of them!" I just managed to escape with my life._

_~Fade Out~_

Curly: . . . And as far as I know they are still after me

Sheena: Then what are we waiting for let's get out of here!

Eugene: Yeah we'll head for Park's new hideout!

Harold: MMOOOOMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

_All the kids stand up and run off after Eugene. Arnold just stands there slowly soaking in the situation._

Arnold: WAIT! Hold it you guys! Curly, didn't you say Risma was with you?

_He turns and shrugs his shoulders._

Curly: Yeah so?

Arnold: She could've been the one they were running after. I mean if they were following you wouldn't they be here by now?

_Helga growls at the fact that Arnold is worried about Risma and not his own life._

Gerald: I'm positive she can look after herself.

Phoebe: Uh . . . I'd have to disagree with you Gerald. Risma is a new resident to these parts therefore she may not know the surrounding areas. She could be in a lot of trouble.

Helga: So let me get this straight. We are about to risk our lives for one girl who you have a crush on.

_Arnold frowns at her and stiffens at the lack of help from his friends._

Arnold: I do not have a crush on her. She is a friend to all of us, yet we're going to leave her to defend herself against bigger, tougher and stronger kids. Bullies, who are likely to pulverise her into little bits.

_Sitnky and Sid look at each other than at Arnold._

Sid: Was that supposed to persuade us to help?

Stinky: 'Cause you ain't doing a swell job at it Arnold.

Rhonda: Well I, for one, am running to the safety of my own home.

_Most of kids agree to this and run off again without turning back. Only Helga and Gerald are left._

Arnold: Fine then. I'll do it myself!

_He runs towards the bus stop. Gerald looks over at Helga and shrugs._

Gerald: Hey man, wait up!

_Helga just stands there watching Arnold pace up and down the sidewalk impatiently waiting for the bus, while Gerald tries to talk some sense into him._

Helga: He always has to help everyone, Mr Morality. Unfortunately this time I don't want him to defend her. Hmmm . . . (I know I'll get there first and fight them off. Then Risma will look weak and Arnold will realise that I have defeated the bullies. A few cuts and bruises will win the respect of Arnold and maybe some sympathy too.) The bus will take too long; catching the subway will be a whole lot faster.

**At the other end of the subway line – **

_Helga races over to the falling down old suburb, dodging screeching cats and flying debris. She checks every alley calling out for her own enemy._

Helga: (Great. The only person I'm trying to avoid and here I am looking for her.) Risma! Risma! Where the heck are you?! If you can hear me call out! If you're dead . . . don't bother!

_She ducks down an eerie alley and opens a trash can as it jumps all over the place._

Helga: Risma! Quit moving so I can get the lid off. *eeeekkkk* 

_A huge black rat jumps on to her arm. She shakes it madly until the rat falls off and squeaks miserably. Slowly coming to her senses she breathes in deeply._

Helga: Blasted rat! The quicker I find her, the quicker I can get out of here. Risma! Risma!

Voice: Help! Somebody, ANYBODY HELP ME!

Helga: Hold on Risma I'm coming!

_Helga flies around the corner to meet her oncoming attackers and halts. No one is there. She hunts around for signs of a fist fight, but sees no blood or fallen teeth. Nothing._

Helga: (But it was coming from here, no doubt about it.) Risma! Where are you?! Risma! 

_A door opens across the alley and a shadowy outline appears there. Helga turns to face the stranger with her fists held up in position._

Helga: C'mon I haven't had a good fight in years.

Person: I could beat you with both hands tied behind my back, Helga. You aren't worth it.

_The person steps out into the dim light. Helga lowers her fists and growls._

Helga: Here I was thinking I would find you bashed senseless. But instead of fighting the year fivers, you did what I knew you'd always do. Run away and hide like a coward.

Risma: Suit yourself. But I need a hand come in here.

_They walk inside and Risma turns the light on. Helga's mouth just drops open with shock._

Helga: How . . . did you . . . do this?

_The wholes floor is covered with tied up and gagged year fivers. Risma picks up the feet of the nearest one while he struggles to get free._

Risma: Stop gawking and help, before the owners of this dump get here.

_Helga grabs the shoulders and they both drag him outside. After a few minutes all the captured kids are outside. Risma sits down on an upturned trash can and wipes away the sweat from her forehead._

Helga: When I came looking for you, I heard someone calling for help I'm guessing it wasn't you right?

Risma: That would probably be him.

_She points to a fire escape where Wolfgang, the year fiver's leader, is tied up left only in his boxer pants. Both girls laugh themselves silly, just as the sound of pounding feet come closer._

Risma: Quick you stand there. When I get their attention, hit them over the head with this.

_Helga hides in the shadows with a trash can lid. Risma jumps out towards the invaders then halts and smiles._

Gerald: We could hear yelling and ran as fast as we could.

Arnold: Are you hurt? Where are the year fivers?

Risma: I'm fine and the gang is around there.

_Both boys turn around the corner just as Helga swings down the lid. **CLANG! **__Right on Gerald's head. He falls to the ground unconscious, while Arnold and Risma frown at Helga. She shrugs her shoulders and throws the lid away. _

Helga: I didn't mean to. She didn't warn me that you were friendly people did she? If it'll stop the both of you from frowning at me, I'll say sorry when he comes around alright?

_Arnold kneels down near his friend and rolls him over. He then stops and notices all the other kids there, all tied up with no where to go._

Arnold: Oh my . . . who did this?

_Helga seeing her chance folded her arms and smirked at Risma._

Helga: (You did it now. He doesn't like violence but I guess you didn't know that.) Yeah I was about to ask Risma that same question.

_Arnold stares up at Helga with his mouth open then looks over at Risma, who just smiles back. She points up towards the roof of the building. Arnold looks up and sees Wolfgang's predicament. He slowly stands to his feet while still looking up and he walks over to Risma._

Arnold: You? You did all this?

Risma: Yeah . . . well . . . sort of. . . 

_He looks straight into her eyes. He can tell she isn't lying, so he smiles and hugs her. Helga nearly falls down from shock._

Arnold: You're so amazing! You are so pretty, smart, funny, play stickball like a pro and can beat the entire fifth grade in a fight! Wow!

_He steps back to see a smirk forming on his admired friend. Risma peers over his shoulder at Helga who keeps opening as closing her mouth like a fish out of water._

Risma: It was nothing, really.

_Gerald starts to sit up slowly, groaning as he holds his head with one hand. Arnold leans over his friend and Helga walks closer too. As they are watching Gerald, Risma slips around the corner and runs away._

Gerald: Whoa . . . I feel like an army of soldiers ran over me.

Arnold: No that would be the ringing in your ears after Helga hit you with a trash can lid.

_Gerald looks up suspiciously at Helga who in turn grins sheepishly down at him._

Helga: Uh . . . sorry. Heh.

Gerald: I might've known. How about a hand here?

_Arnold heaves one of Gerald's arms across his shoulders and slowly lifts him to his feet. Helga on the other hand, is looking around for Risma. She stops and taps Arnold on the arm._

Helga: Where'd Risma go?

Arnold: I don't know. Perhaps she vanished.

_He looks up towards where Wolfgang is gagged but he's not there. Instead there is the boy from across the road at the bus stop. He is leaning against the fire escape smiling down at Helga as she searches further along the alley for Risma. Arnold follows the boys stare towards the girl in amongst the trash cans._

Arnold: (Where did he come from? Why is he staring at Helga? Am I missing something here?)

_He looks back up and the boy has vanished too._

Arnold: Weird!


	5. Sunday

_~*Guess what I just found out? Hey Arnold movie is coming to Australia this summer. And all I have to say is… about bloody time! Well here's part five. Enjoy! –Risma*~_

**Love? What a Joke!**

**SUNDAY**

**That morning – **

_Risma jumps down from Harold's windowsill to the concrete sidewalk. She stands up and dusts herself off, then checks the camera to make sure the whole thing was captured on tape._

Risma: (Oooh this is too good!) If I could show the school this it would be such a riot. 

_Risma marvels at her weapon of humiliation as she turns the corner. **WHAM! **__Phoebe is sent flying backwards. Risma stands up and offers Phoebe her hand._

Risma: Sorry about that, just wasn't watching I guess.

Phoebe: Oh no, It was all my fault. I was hurrying to Rhonda's house. She demanded I be there on time for the project. I have exactly five point three minutes to get there, so bye!

_Phoebe sprints down the pavement like a streak of lightning. Risma shales her head._

Risma: (Quick little terror when she wants to be.) Must be from hanging around Pigtails. Speaking of which I'd better get over there.

**Across town –**

_Sid is leaning against Mighty Pete, carving a face out of soap when a dark shadow looms over him. He slowly looks up and sees a young boy about his age staring right back at him._

Boy: Cool soap. You made it yourself?

Sid: Yeah! It took a while but I did it.

Boy: I've heard that you can put a curse on someone with a soap carving.

_Sid stands up and slips the soap into his jacket pocket._

Sid: Take my advice, don't try it! It just causes trouble.

Boy: Oh.

_Sid takes a good look at the boy. His short brown hair framed his steely blue eyes. He is wearing a huge blue T-shirt, which covers his broad shoulders, shorts that come down to his knees and the usual sneakers and socks. Unfamiliarity causes Sid to squint at him._

Sid: I haven't seen you around. You new?

Boy: Yes actually, but I came here looking for a friend. Do you know where I could get some information?

_Sid rubs the back of his neck with nervousness, chuckling quietly._

Sid: Yeah, but it would definitely come at a price.

Boy: Oh really?

Sid: Gino doesn't give anything away for free.

Boy: Could you take me to this . . . Gino?

_Sid shrugs his shoulders with a sigh._

Sid: Sure, but once your inside you're on your own.

_The boy shifts his shoulders back and smiles._

Boy: I can handle that.

_Sid stuffs his hands in his jacket and mutters._

Sid: Your funeral.

_They walk to a basement outside a building, then Sid scoots off leaving the new kid there. Shrugging he knocks on the door three times. It partially opens and two eyes peer down at him._

Voice: Wadda ya want?

Boy: I have a proposition for Gino.

_The door shuts in the kid's face and shuffling can be heard around inside. The door opens widely and a huge kid with bulging muscles stands there._

Bouncer: C'mon in. Gino's waitin'. Boss! Some kid's 'ere to see ya.

_The kid looks around at the dark room the only light is from a single lamp, sitting of a massive desk. A menacing silhouette can be seen sitting in a huge leather chair. The kid is shoved onto a wooden stool on the other side of the desk._

Gino: What can I do for you?

Boy: It's more of a case of what I can do for you!

Gino: Keep talkin'.

_The boy leans forward on the desk and squints thorough the light of the lamp to the leather chair._

Boy: My name is Mitchell and I'm in need of information.

Gino: Well that all depends on how you're willing to pay.

_The leather chair rotates from side to side._

Mitchell: How about a never ending supply of . . . 

_He looks over at the bouncer nervously and sees a lollipop stick hanging out of his mouth. Mitchell smiles._

Mitchell: . . . lollipops.

Gino: Make them chocolate malt and you have yourself a deal.

Mitchell: Done.

Gino: Turn on the lights!

_The room is flooded with brilliant light and as Mitchell's eyes adjust to it, Gino comes around the desk and stands beside him holding out his hand. Mitchell looks down with surprise at the tthree foot tall Gino and shakes his hand._

Gino: Now Mr Mitchell, what's this information you need?

**Later that afternoon – **

_Arnold and Gerald are playing kick the can down the street. Gerald gives it a final boot and the clanks down a storm water drain. They both look disappointedly at each other as another way to amuse their time has disappeared. They start walking towards Arnold's house._

Arnold: Who are you acting like?

Gerald: Oh I have to be Harold.

Arnold: Harold?! *hahahaha*

Gerald: Hey man, it wasn't my idea! If your girlfriend hadn't . . .

_Arnold glares at him with his arms across his chest. Gerald holds his hands up in mock surrender._

Gerald: . . . I'll shut up. I just hope they don't expect me to eat fifty Mr Fudgies in one go.

Arnold: Oh c'mon there's got to be other ways Harold expresses himself.

_Gerald winks at Arnold then rolls the bottom of his t-shirt above his belly button and sticks his stomach out. He runs around Arnold with his arm flailing._

Gerald: MMMOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

_The two boys are rolling around on the ground laughing so hard that they are crying. Nadine and Lila walk past, then stop and stare at the boys' behaviour. Arnold is the first one to react and gives a shy grin. Lila looks over at Nadine and they both shrug and keep walking. The boys stand up, dust themselves off and sit down on the curb with their elbows on their knees._

Gerald: This'll be easy to act like Bubba. I just hope he doesn't get wreck MY image. Learning urban legends isn't as easy as you guys think.

Arnold: I somehow think that my swap will be fairly easy, but I don't know how much pain I can go through.

Gerald: You got Eugene?

Arnold: No . . . Brainy.

**Pataki residence – **

Helga: BRAINY?! HE HAS TO ACT LIKE WHEEZIN' ED'S OFFSPRING?!

_Risma is sitting down on Helga's bed, while Helga is madly making a groove in the carpet with her insistent pacing._

Risma: I don't see what you're so upset about.

Helga: You don't understand, Brainy has a . . . a . . . thing . . .

Risma: Crush?

Helga: . . . whatever on me. I mean, he's even come out of an alleyway all dressed up with a ring for me!

_Risma clasps her hand together and flutters her eyelids._

Risma: How sweet . . . 

Helga: Shut up! And if Arnold finds out about the crush thing, it'll spread through the school like the flood.

_Risma lies back on the bed, propping herself up with her elbows._

Risma: Again I still don't see what you have to worry about. Arnold doesn't look the type to go blabbing everything. You are way too stressed with this topic, not to mention you have a terrible emotional disorder.

Helga: I do not!

Risma: Allow me to demonstrate.

_She stands up and pushes Helga onto the bed, out of her way. Risma pulls her hair out to the sides like two pigtails. She frowns and takes on an iron fist attitude._

Risma: Arnold what a loser. What a pansy waist know it all. How I despise him and yet . . .

_She pretends to pull a locket out from her shirt and prances around the room._

Risma: . . . I love him. His never-ending kindness, thoughtfulness beyond compare. The way his golden locks shine like the sun. How I yearn to be in that warmth. The warmth which is love I tell you. LOVE!

Helga: ALL RIGHT ALREADY! I get the point. I didn't think I sounded that bad.

Risma: Worst part is how you're always bashing up poor Brainy after it. Arnold is going to be very injured after this. 

_A grin plays its way onto Risma's face and Helga frowns at it quizzically._

Risma: Hmm . . . I could get used to this poetic life style you have.

_Horror rises in Helga's eyes._

Helga: Your not really going to . . .

_Risma's grins grows._

Helga: You wouldn't . . .

_Risma slowly nods._

Helga: You couldn't . . .

_Risma rubs her hands with evil glee. Helga rushes over, grabs Risma's shirt collar and shakes her violently._

Helga: You do that and everyone will know! You'll ruin everything I've done to keep it a flippin' secret! And if you do, you'll never live to see another day! I swear!

Risma: Settle petal.

_With the sudden lack of energy, Helga slumps on the bed._

Risma: For cryin' out loud, you honestly think I would do that to you?

_Helga glares up at her from under her fringe. _

Helga: Yes.

Risma: Okay, so I would. But he won't know. I've seen his kind before. They don't notice a thing until you've hit them over the head with a baseball bat.

_Helga looks at Risma sceptically._

Risma: Helga how many times have you smiled lovingly at him? You'd have to admit he never noticed, right?

Helga: Yeah I guess so.

Risma: Ha! I reckon even if you kissed him, he still wouldn't know.

_Risma waits for an answer then looks down at Helga and sees her fidgeting._

Risma: Ooooh, so the truth is out! Didn't guess did he?

Helga: No, not during the play or at the beach.

Risma: TWICE! Here I was thinking I'd have to give you tips, but it seems you've already got the moves. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Helga: Oh shut up! Like you said he didn't know and he never will RIGHT?

_Helga holds a clenched fist in Risma's direction, but she doesn't take any notice of it._

Risma: Well, not for now anyway. So what am I supposed to wear to school on Friday? You got anything other than pink?

_Risma opens the wardrobe. Helga runs in front and slams the doors closed._

Risma: C'mon Helga. It's not like you have a shrine honouring ol' football head in the back of your wardrobe.

_Helga's eyes grow with shock, so did Risma's but her grin grows bigger._

Risma: You ARE full of surprises aren't you? So let's see it!

_Helga pushes Risma outside her room._

Helga: Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for one day?!

Risma: Oh but I'm just getting started . . . well I'll come around tomorrow for the clothes and I'll give you a set of mine, okay?

Helga: Yeah, yeah. Have my people call your people!

_Helga slams the door in Risma's face and the little patchwork doll swings back and forth. Risma frowns at its smiling face._

Risma: How can you smile when you live in the same house as her?

_She turns and walks down the stairs to the front door and leaves._


	6. Monday

__

~*Well here we are, the next chapter and I know that it took it's sweet time to get onto the net. My apologies. Read and enjoy. -Risma*~

****

Love? What a Joke!

MONDAY

On the bus-

__

Arnold steps on after Helga and finds and spare seat near the back for Gerald and himself. He lets Gerald take the window seat, and as he's about to sit down he looks out the window across the street. The mystery boy is there, smiling at the front of the bus where Helga is sitting.

Arnold: (He's there again.) What does he see in Helga?

__

Gerald snaps to attention at the sound his friend's question. He pulls Arnold down into the seat.

Gerald: What is up with you man? Every morning you're like this lately and usually when Helga's around. Are you sick or something?

__

Arnold frowns and his friend and shakes his head.

Arnold: No . . . it's just . . . uh forget it. It's stupid. Anyway here's Risma's stop!

__

Arnold eagerly looks across the aisle at an empty seat, and smiles stupidly at her as she makes her way down the bus. She looks at Arnold then at the spare seat, and winks at him. But she spots Curly further at the back, and takes the seat next to him instead. Arnold sadly looks at her and she smiles cheekily back at him and shrugs her shoulders.

Gerald: Maybe you stop pestering her so much and then she'd pay more attention.

Arnold: I do not pester her!

__

Gerald sighs at the hopelessness of the situation.

Gerald: Yes you do Arnold, perhaps you should focus more on the baseball game with Wolfgang's gang this afternoon. They're going to murder us after what happened on the weekend.

__

Arnold groans as a dull pain crawls into his stomach. He slouches back against the seat.

Arnold: We're SO dead.

****

In class –

__

Mr Simmons is up at the board explaining food chains. The class is trying to soak in as little of the information as possible, all except for Phoebe that is. Risma glances over at Helga, wondering why she is so angry with Arnold.

Risma: (Perhaps I've got it all wrong. Maybe she doesn't like him at all, but then why the love swoons?) Hmmm . . .

__

Helga stops writing in her maths book and slams it shut when she hears Risma's thoughtful sigh.

Helga: What? 

Risma: Nothing.

Helga: Then stop staring at me like a lab rat!

Risma: Fine then.

__

Risma faces Mr Simmons again as he explains decomposers. Helga slowly opens her maths book and starts writing again, keeping it shielded from Risma's spying eyes. However she taps Helga's arm and whispers.

Risma: Uh Helga?

Helga: What now?

Risma: You may just want to dig out the pages in your science book, so you can place your poem book in it and then it won't look so suspicious to the rest of the class. Maths finished half an hour ago. *heeheehee* 

__

Helga looks down at her math and poem books and slips them in her desk, while quickly pulling out her science book. She turns to growl at Risma.

Helga: Don't go telling anyone about that! Anyone!

__

Risma just nods and turns back to the front of the room with a smile.

Risma: (I was right.)

****

Out in the playground -

__

The gang is sitting on the outside benches eating lunch. Helga comes to join them and they all shuffle down to let her in next to Phoebe. 

Sid: Well this maybe our very last meal if we lose this afternoon.

Stinky: Either that or we don't eat for a month at least.

Phoebe: All humans must eat in order to survive. An average human can only go without food for three days before any serious side effects occur. 

__

They all stare at Phoebe in silence and she looks down ashamed at the table.

Arnold: C'mon you guys. We can beat them. We've done it before, we're sure to do it again!

__

The gang groans. Rhonda leans across the table and glares at Arnold.

Rhonda: In case you haven't noticed, YOU have not been using the dangerous lumber technique for over a month now!

Eugene: Rhonda's right, we're doomed.

__

The others sigh at Eugene's unusual lack of optimism. Helga slams her fist on the table, making the food trays jump as well as the kids.

Helga: I'm not going to let those overgrown lard-faces get the better of me! I'm sick of them tormenting us every day of our lives! I'm sick of their practical jokes! We're not push overs! We can kick their sorry hides and publicly humiliate them again if we win this baseball game! 

Harold: Does that mean we have to drink that vitamin stuff again?

__

All the kids start to shudder at the thought.

Gerald: I don't think we need to go THAT far.

__

As they quieten down to discuss game plays, Wolfgang and the year fivers stalk over to the gang's table. Wolfgang grabs the end of the table and tilts it so all the food trays go sliding across onto the ground to the other end, spilling their contents all over the ground.

Wolfgang: Oops. Sorry, how clumsy of me? *hahahaha*

Edmund: Yeah, sorry.

__

Edmund starts picking up the fallen food. Wolfgang glares and yanks his partner by the arm, off the ground.

Wolfgang: What do you think you're doing?

Edmund: Uh . . . picking up the mess.

__

Wolfgang raises his fist at his friend's face, when Arnold stands up.

Arnold: Wolfgang, that wasn't very nice.

__

Wolfgang sneers at Arnold, puts Edmund on the ground and grabs Arnold by the shirt. He raises him off the ground, as Arnold kicks out, missing him by inches.

Wolfgang: What are you going to do about it football face?

Voice: You're going to put him down.

__

Wolfgang turns around to face a teacher, when he looks down and sees Risma. She glares up at him, holding her food tray tightly and tapping her foot impatiently on the ground. Wolfgang lowers Arnold and looks over at Edmund.

Wolfgang: C'mon Ed. We'll see you losers at The Field at three-fifteen.

__

He's about to push past her, when he notices her index finger twitching. Instead he walks around her and growls.

Wolfgang: Hope I have the pleasure of seeing you there too.

__

She hisses through her teeth at him as he passes.

Risma: Wouldn't miss it.

__

She turns and smiles at all the gapping mouths facing her. Arnold runs over and gives her a hug.

Risma: Uh . . . Arnold? I would like to sit down and eat now and I need my digestion system to remain uncrushed to do that.

__

He lets go and blushes as he stands back, motioning her to his empty seat.

Harold: Huh . . . how . . . how did you do that?

__

She shrugged and crunched on her carrot sticks.

Risma: I guess we all have our own little secrets.

__

She snatches a glance at Helga, who just growls while cracking her knuckles.

****

In class –

__

All the kids are split up into groups of three or four for art that afternoon. Arnold is with Lila, Stinky and Phoebe. Helga was with Rhonda, Sid and Gerald.

Gerald: Aw man, this crepe paper won't come off my hands.

Helga: Here.

__

Helga grabs the non-sticky end of the green piece of crepe paper and pulls it off. Gerald nods in appreciation.

Gerald: Thanks Helga.

Helga: Yeah . . . well don't get used to it tall-hair boy! 

__

She peers over at Arnold who was staring at her with his head leaning on his hand. She quickly goes back to her work pretending to be incredibly busy. Risma sees the whole scene and starts to giggle as Arnold takes his hand away from his face and leaves a huge blue hand print on his cheek. 

Risma: That boy never ceases to amaze me.

Pea-pod Kid: Who are you talking about?

__

Risma looks up and is surprised the attention she is getting from Peapod Kid, Nadine and Park. She smiles cheekily and leans back in her chair.

Risma: Don't worry your sorry little heads.

__

Park leans over to look at Nadine's poster and frowns at the coloured bits of paper all over it.

Park: Uh . . . Nadine? I don't think bugs live in the ocean.

Nadine: That's why I'm going to draw a big magnifying glass around the edges and make them look like tiny sea lice.

Park: Oh. . . 

__

Mr Simmons walks around the tables and stops behind Risma's chair. He points at the blank piece of paper on her desk.

Mr Simmons: Risma. You are supposed to working on your underwater poster. Are you having trouble with getting an idea?

__

Risma gazes up innocently at him.

Risma: Sir, I'm almost finished. This is what the Pacific Ocean will soon look like, if nuclear weapons are continually tested there. Completely eradicated.

__

Mr Simmons, not knowing what to say, just smiles and nods then continues on his nomadic way. Across the classroom Rhonda is getting fidgety. Sid looks confused at her.

Sid: Wolfgang won't hit girls, at least I don't think so?

Rhonda: It's not that, you nimrod. My clothes are going to get all dirty and I'd hate to look like a tramp in front of everyone.

__

Helga and Gerald glance at each other and laugh. Rhonda glowers at their pleasure out of her possible misfortune.

Rhonda: What's so funny?

Gerald: Rhonda babe, you won't damage the threads. It's baseball, one of the least dirtiest sports around. 

Sid: You don't have to slide on the bases you know.

Helga: Anyway I remember you playing football with us in the mud and rain, and the time you jumped on all the tomatoes for the giant pizza puff. And the time . . . 

Rhonda: Alright! I get the point. I'll play.

Sid: Good we need all the players we can get.

__

Lila is cutting out grey dolphins from a magazine to stick on her poster. She held it up to admire it then nudged Arnold.

Lila: What do you think of my poster Arnold?

__

Arnold on the other hand is still trying to see what Helga is doing to pay any attention to Lila. She gets a little miffed.

Lila: Arnold? Did you hear me?

Arnold: Uh yeah, it's good Lila.

__

Stinky takes it out of her hands to get a look, but she doesn't care. She frowns at Arnold.

Lila: You didn't even look at it.

Stinky: It sure is purdy Miss Lila.

__

Lila sighs and takes it back off Stinky.

Lila: Thank you Stinky, but I think it needs something shiny to get more attention! 

__

Arnold is trying to figure out what is so interesting about Helga that a complete stranger would smile at.

Arnold: (The only thing I can think of is that the mystery kid has weird taste. Helga is a bully and has pretty much mastered the art of physical persuasion.) I just don't get it.

Phoebe: Don't get what Arnold?

__

He immediately snaps to reality at the sound of the reply to his thoughts. He stares over at Phoebe with fright.

Arnold: What did I say? I didn't mean to think out loud. No one heard it right? Right?!

Phoebe: All you said was "I just don't get it". There is no need to hyperventilate.

Arnold: Oh. . . Well in that case . . . I meant . . . I don't understand why you don't come to our games Lila?

__

Lila glares at him again and sprinkles glitter on her poster with emphasis. 

Lila: (Now he pays attention to me.) Well it could be that you constantly have your mind on other things!

__

And with that she gets up and asks Mr Simmons for permission to go to the bathroom. Realising this is the perfect time to get the opposite side of Lila, Risma slips out of the classroom.

Risma: (Ooooh this is going to be so good.)

__

She follows Lila and sneaks quietly into one of the cubicles. She waves her left hand over her right anticlockwise and mumbles a few words. The video camera materialises into her hand and she stands up on the toilet seat and aims the camera at Lila leaning against the wash basin.

Lila: What is up with him? Since when did Helga G. Pataki become ever so more fascinating than me? Don't I deserve the attention that she never accepts? I'm the nice one. I'm the pretty one. I tell the best jokes. And the only boy who is really worth anything to me is gawking at Helga! The same stupid girl who always torments him, teases him, pulls pranks on him and drives him mad! I hate you Helga Pataki! And I'll make sure you get exactly what you deserve!

__

A few pieces of plaster fall to the floor from the basin under Lila's tight grip. Risma steps off the seat and leans against the toilet door. She whispers a few words and clicks her fingers and the camera disappears. She waits until she could hear Lila leave, then comes out of the cubicle.

Risma: Maybe they should've called her Butch.

****

That afternoon – 

__

The gang is waiting outside the school gates for Risma to show up and the tension is getting high. Sid stops pacing and asks Gerald.

Sid: What's taking her so long? Are females always this late?

Rhonda: Watch what you say popsicle nose. She maybe warming up on her batting technique.

Gerald: She'd better hurry up then, cause if we don't show, they automatically win. I don't particularly want my body parts scattered around the field as part of the victory bash.

__

Just then Risma comes running out of the school holding an old book in her hands. Phoebe is instantly interested.

Phoebe: Another book fanatic. Oh it's so nice to have someone as interested in books as I am, to actually hold everyone up just to hire one out.

Risma: Well . . . actually . . . 

__

Helga pushes Phoebe aside, grabs Risma's wrist and drags her off in the direction of Gerald Field. She stops when she realises that no one else was following her.

Helga: Are you lot coming or what?!

__

The kids run after her to the game of their lives. If they win of course. They reach the field and get into their usual places under the snarls of the other impatient team. Wolfgang's team are soon out with the help of Harold's pitching. So the younger kids line up to bat. Helga is whispering to Risma as they wait for their turn.

Helga: So what really made you so late?

Risma: The book.

__

Helga rolls her eyes impatiently. She points to the old book on the bench a few metres away.

Helga: That? I don't think so. You were up to some evil little schemes. I can see it in your eyes.

__

Risma looks behind Helga, as Stinky made it to first base.

Risma: I honestly got the book and I'm sticking with the truth. Now are you going to bat or should I go first.

__

With a huff, she turns around and stalked away from Risma, lines up her stance to swing. Just as Wolfgang pulls back to pitch, Helga losses her train of thought and stares across the road. Arnold, who was busy watching his team mates, notices that Helga wasn't paying enough attention to the game. He follows her stare and catches sight of the mystery kid again. He frowns and claps his hands to wake Helga up.

Arnold: Hey Helga! Watch the ball!

__

She turns around to him and glares.

Helga: I can look after myself foot-ball head!

__

She bunts the ball, making Gerald reach home. She stands on first base and whips around to see the kid again, but he was gone. Arnold frowns at the blonde girl as she losses all concentration of the game and looks along the side walk for the mystery kid. **WHACK!** _The baseball comes flying across Helga's head, when suddenly she is violently shoved._

Risma: Helga . . . you would make a perfect marble statue, if you were actually in a garden! Get moving!

__

Risma runs ahead and across the next two bases to home immediately followed by Helga. Risma drags herself to the bench where she spies Arnold looking out across the filed to the street. She looks there too and sees a young lady pushing a pram along the side walk. Nothing else.

Helga: He's gone . . .

Risma: Who's gone?

__

Helga snaps at Risma's interfering again.

Helga: None of your business!

Risma: Well sor-ry!

__

Risma says sarcastically, opening her book and ignoring the rest of the game.

****

Sunset's Arms -

__

Grandpa and Mr Kokoshka are playing poker at the kitchen table.

Oskar: Heh heh I win. Five aces.

__

He places down the cards and starts pawing the chips over onto his side of the table when Phil stands up and slams his hands down in protest.

Phil: You win my foot! You're a cheater Kokoshka and a damn lousy one at that!

Oskar: No. I win. I have five aces and you only have a full house.

Phil: There's only four aces in a standard deck of cards you low down dirty cheating-

__

The back door slams and in slumps Arnold.

Phil: 'Evenin' short-man. Did you whoop those big lugs?

__

Arnold drags himself to the fridge.

Arnold: Yes Grandpa . . .

__

He pulls out a half-defrosted piece to steak and Phil turns to him.

Phil: So . . . you beat them at their own game-

__

Arnold faces his grandpa and slaps the steak onto his swelling eye.

Phil: -and they weren't happy.

Arnold: I'm going upstairs.

Phil: Alright Arnold. Just bring the steak back down soon. It's the only decent thing Pookie cooks.

__

My Kokoshka starts slipping the chips into his pockets when Phil turns around. 

Oskar: Wha-at?


End file.
